God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
