watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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