I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
