I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
