Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize