You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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