i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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