just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
