Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
