I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
