Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
