I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think I am morally bankrupt
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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