So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
