I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All I want is dick and wine.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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