If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
