I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
