bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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