Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
