You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
