She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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