his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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