we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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