Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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