I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
