No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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