she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My vagina is officially offended.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
