One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
