that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
