She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
