I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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