Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
