Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
