he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
