im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My breasts were aching with rage.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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