I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
