i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
