Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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