I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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