Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
