just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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