man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
