I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
