I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
