That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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