the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
