I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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