I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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