remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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