I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
please don't ironically join a cult
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