im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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