btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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