I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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